It is not uncommon for me to field questions and concerns around the theme of “I had this really intense dream/meditation/trance, and I’m worried I might be crazy” or “such and such spirit came to me and told me things, and I’m pretty sure it’s true, but it doesn’t match anything that’s written or anybody else’s experiences” or “Am I just taking myself on wish fulfillment, fantastical adventures in my head and believing it’s true?”  As pagans, we work with spirits (including the gods and dead, and those who defy categorization) who are often fairly close to the human world (or share it with us entirely), and in a post-colonial Western society we don’t have a good frame of reference for what is “normal” in spiritwork.  

So, how do you find the balance between mental illness, your imagination, and a spiritual experience (or UPG – Unverified Personal Gnosis)? How do you know what is “real” and what is maybe just daydreaming? If you’re already neurodivergent, how do you navigate spiritual experiences while honoring your brain’s very real differences?

(Important disclaimer: While I am a priest and a trained chaplain, I am not a mental health professional.  Diagnosing and treating mental illness is outside my scope of practice.)

Personal Experience

I’ve got a lot of experience, both with mental illness and with spiritual experiences.  To provide some context: I’ve been pagan since late childhood (honestly, probably sooner, though I didn’t have a name for it any earlier than that), and have had deep experiences with spirits throughout my life so far, including hearing them, talking to them, and occasionally seeing them.  I’ve built strong and meaningful relationships, many long-term, with various spirits in that time.  I have also struggled with both depression and anxiety since adolescence, and have a diagnosis of cPTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I’ve been in therapy and on medication for these illnesses for twenty years or so, and have experienced all the trials of changing medications and dosages to find something that works that goes along with that  

All of this together means I’ve had my fair share of “feeling crazy” moments, and have had to do some hard work and learning over the years to be discerning in order to accurately categorize my own experiences as more of a spiritual experience/UPG, more of a symptom of my mental illness, or more of a daydream.  So, when I’m considering which bucket to put an experience in, I rely on a few different things.

Spiritual Experience, Over Active Imagination, and/or Mental Illness

Is the spiritual experience a positive or a negative one?

Background: I participated in a workshop a few years ago by Rev. Monika Kojote, who is both a mental health professional and a working shaman & spiritworker, so she’s seen a lot and knows her stuff. This is one of the top things she stressed: Is the spiritual experience a positive or a negative one?  Overall, when you look at the big picture of all your spiritual experiences, they should be generally positive. Yes, you may have a few rough ones, a difficult stretch, or go through a messy spirit break-up, but in general, positive is good. If they’re not trending towards positive then it’s worth taking a multi-step approach.

First, set your boundaries or discontinue any relationships with spirits that are continually making you feel awful, or, if you’re more inclined, perform a banishing ritual. If that doesn’t work, and you’re still having overall bad experiences, then the second thing I’d do is talk with your therapist, assuming they’re decent and supportive of your spirituality. If you don’t have a therapist (go get one), then connect with a religious leader in your tradition. When we look at the over-culture, and think about the things Christians say about being able to hear God or similar, they are, by and large, talking about positive things and experiences in their life. Those are considered normal. If they are talking about how God wants them to do awful things to other people or to themselves, those are things that are generally classified as “mental illness”, and worth seeking treatment for.

Use the buddy system

UPG often comes out of trance work. This is awesome and wonderful. However I always, always, recommend that folks who do trance work have a buddy of some sort. This can be someone you tandem trance with, or just someone who you share experiences with and bounce thoughts back and forth with. But have a buddy. Not only does this give you another person to process with, but if your mental illness starts to flare or tries to push you off the deep end, they can be your external check and notice when things have gone sideways from what is your normal.  Your buddy can also be your check if something seems too good to be true, especially if it’s out of the ordinary for you, or for the shared gnosis of others who work closely with a particular spirit.

Cultivate self-awareness

Be aware enough to note when an experience matches exactly what you want or expected to happen.  A common “tell” in spiritwork is when you’re caught off-guard, or taken by surprise by an experience.   This is not to say that all experiences need to be unusual.  Honestly, a lot of mine are quite routine: I go and greet Poseidon, sing His praises, wade in His ocean, and bask in His presence.  But if there is a pattern of big, exciting reveals that grant knowledge or power you desperately want, or horrible life-altering revelations, be wary enough to examine those experiences further, and seek a second opinion from a trusted seer or spiritworker.

Additionally, know that if your mental illness is rearing its head, you may want to dial back the intense devotions for little bit, or hold off on doing trance work until you’re no longer at risk of involuntarily dissociating. Also, if you’re on meds, are you taking them as prescribed? If you’re missing doses, or if you’re still adjusting to a new dose or new med, it probably isn’t the best time to also be trying to ramp up your devotions or trance work.  I think it’s important to note that this isn’t a sign of weakness or any sort of moral failing.  You probably shouldn’t do trancework when you have a cold, a migraine, or are exhausted either.  Even if the outcome isn’t dangerous, it’s not pleasant and not necessary.  Be kind to yourself. This kind of self-awareness allows you to know and honor your whole self: mind, body, and spirit, and do right by what you need in the moment.

Discernment

Knowing what’s real? This is a big one for me.  The first piece is keeping a written journal of all the spiritwork you do (and sharing it with your buddy).  This allows you to track patterns, not only in what is going on in the journeys or vision you’re having, but also mundane things that may be going on (ex: a medication change, menstruation, a shift in your eating/sleeping habits, physical illness, other interpersonal experiences, etc).  This journaling goes beyond just writing down the experiences, but also includes reflecting on and considering the patterns and experiences you notice.  This allows you to see what is typical for you.  To learn what “tells” you have to know that you’re in trance.  For me, one of my primary cues that indicates a true trance state is the feeling that gravity has somehow shifted.  I will feel like my physical body is leaning heavily or even perpendicular to the ground when I’m in trance (and often shortly before I become unaware of my physical body entirely).

I’m a bit of a skeptic and sometimes insecure in my spirit work, so tracking these patterns and learning my tells has definitely helped. However, even now after decades of doing this, I still sometimes question whether or not a spiritual experience is real, or if I’m just making it up. For this, I resonate with the quote from the Harry Potter books (whose author is still a TERF, btw): “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” It’s true. It’s so, so true. We may get lost overthinking whether or not we’ve made something up, but that’s the thing about personal gnosis: it becomes and is the truth that we experience, and through that truth and that experience we’re able to grow these relationships that are deep and complex. With that in mind, I come back around to the first point: is the experience positive or negative?

TL;DR

So…. finding the balance? Part of it is simply through practice, because through practice you learn to know yourself. You learn the self-checks that you have while in trance that are definite indicators that you’re there, and things are real. You learn to gauge whether or not an experience or a relationship is a positive one, and the positive ones are the ones you want to keep, and nurture. Part of it is having an honest heart-to-heart with yourself (and your therapist if they’re supportive) about how your mental health symptoms tend to manifest, what triggers them, when are the good times to do deeper work, and when should you really avoid doing deeper work. And finally: honor the skeptic within you, but be welcoming to the spiritual experiences that can define your practice. It’s worth it.

All that being said, I’m more than happy to chat with folks about their experiences, or connect you with someone else who would also be if I’m not the right fit.

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