Walking the Path

Thoughts about the things happening in my life, often with some relation to the Kindreds and how my relationship with them is deepening.

Devotee vs. Patron

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the difference between being a devotee and having a patron, and where they overlap. I tend to prefer saying “I am a devotee of ____” rather than “____ is my patron.” I think a lot of people probably use these terms interchangeably, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Often when I’m speaking in general conversation I will say that Poseidon is my patron because that is more understandable in most pagan circles than calling myself a devotee.

It is a small semantic difference I think, but a lot of it in my brain comes down to who belongs to who. When I say I am a devotee what it feels like I am saying is “I belong to Poseidon.” The line of power flows from me to him, and when things are unbalanced in our relationship, they weight towards him. When I say I have a patron what I feel like I am saying is “Poseidon belongs to me.” The line of power flow from him to me, and when things are unbalanced in our relationship, they weight towards me. I think another part of it for me is that there is little bit of fear laced in the idea of having a patron. Or maybe just with having Poseidon as a patron. The ocean is huge, unfathomable, and powerful. I don’t particularly want all of that focus on me. It is an awesome power to be able to tap into, but it is also treacherous. There is perhaps a likelihood that he is my patron in all of these ways that I shy away from, but I am still, after all these years, surprised at it.  I can say that I have no doubt that he supports me.  I have no doubt that he has been an integral part of my development in my spiritual life.  I have no doubt that he walks beside me and that I will continue to honor him.

The nature of our *ghosti relationship stays pretty even, and pretty balanced. There is give and take. I certainly feel like he looks out for me, has taken a special interest in me, and walks with me on my path. I honor him, I worship him, I make offerings to him, and I call on him when I have a need. Our relationship has certainly gotten more balanced than I think it used to be. I used to feel like he was demanding more of me than I was willing or able to give. I think most of the time now we’ve reached a comfortable balance. I am willing to give more, and he is willing to ask less, though he is still a demanding god. I think our relationship is at as comfortable a place as can be expected between a human and a God of the Sea.

Let this Victory of Love Rejuvenate us!

I took great pleasure in updating the Druid Wedding fliers for Three Cranes Grove, ADF this morning!


Let us celebrate this great victory: revel and take resounding joy as love wins.

And amidst the celebration, let us remember to take this joy and this energy we’ve been given, the rejuvenation and reigniting of our spirits, and continue to fight for those who still lack protections and rights under the law. For those who identify as bi, trans, queer, pan, poly, or any other orientation that does not have the same visibility and same rights that we are currently celebrating: we see you! And the fight continues until ALL love wins!

So celebrate! And let your spirit be reinvigorated for the continued fight ahead!

Brightest Blessings on us all!

~Rev. Jan Avende

Evening Devotionals

I’m in a quiet, calm, and reflective kind of mood, and some nights, when it’s dark and quiet, it’s nice to just light the candles on my altar, enter that sacred space, and just be.  Just exist and do the work that calls to me and walk the path that sings in my blood and my soul. 

A few prayers spoken to invite those who I honor regularly, a few offerings made as I welcome them in. Then healing work for those who’ve requested it. And then contemplating the Fire, and knowing it’s okay that some nights this is all I do, and that it is exactly what I need to be doing. I am at peace and in the presence of the Kindreds. 

Immortality Through Bardry

Many of us hope to live in such a way that we will leave the world a better place that we found it. But even if this is the case, even if you manage to leave some lasting, positive impact, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be remembered for it. It doesn’t mean you’ll be remembered at all.

One of the things that I find the most comforting about Our Druidry is the concept of Ancestor veneration. When we die, we don’t have to lose touch with those who are still alive. And when we’re alive, we don’t have to lose touch with those who have died. We may lose touch for awhile, especially close to the time of transition, but transition is a confusing time, and we often lose touch with people when one of us is at a transition point in our live.

We maintain contact with our Ancestors by remembering them, honoring them, and sharing their stories. This is one of the reasons I think Bardry is so essential to My Druidry, to my practice as a pagan. This importance is two fold. As a bard, it is important for me to be able to learn and share the tales of those ancestors. They are remembered and honored when I tell their stories and share the works they have done. When I continue to participate in and pursue their Vision, I honor them. As a bard, I also hope that my own works will be remembered after I have died. The songs and stories and essays that I sing and tell and share. They are a part of me and a part of my practice and a part of my Vision. I hope that I can be remembered through them.

Last weekend I and four other ADF bards spent a large chunk of our time at the Trillium Festival learning a song by Bess Closs, the daughter of Anna Gail. She died a couple of weeks ago in a car wreck, just shy of her 19th birthday. This song, “A Kindred Prayer,” she wrote when she was 12. It starts out with a fairly simple melody line, and then adds in harmonies and counter-melodies as the song progresses. We learned all the parts and sang it at the memorial for Bess, as well as recorded it.

The five of us have already decided that we are going to again rehearse it and sing it at Wellspring this year. We’ve added it to our repertoire to be sung when we are together. And through that continued sharing, Bess will be remembered and honored, and share in our continued honoring of the Kindreds.

“I sing of your virtues, I sing of your flaws.
I sing of your life so that you may live on.
Live through my words and live on through my line.
Love will circle ‘round and keep your soul alive.”
~ from “A Song for Your Passing” by Rev. Jan Avende

Trillium 2015 Review

Trillium was, once again, a wonderful festival.  The weather was fantastic (and unexpected) and the fellowship was delightful.  I went to Trillium the first time a few years ago, and had a really good time, and so was very happy to have been able to make it back this year.  I drove with MJD, and let me tell you, there is nothing like being in a car with someone for 10-12 hours to really allow for deep and engaging conversation.  Bonnie and Luke also deserve a special shout out for their exemplary hospitality.  They welcomed me to their camp to stay with them all weekend.  There were many workshops throughout the weekend, though I only made it to a couple.

One of the workshops I attended was Monika’s on “Differentiating Between Mental Illness and Spiritual Experience.”  I was fantastic, despite some technical issues, and I really want the extended version to get into some real discussion about it.  It is extremely useful information, especially for those in leadership roles.  Michael and I were talking about bringing her to Columbus to do a long workshop, possibly at a Leadership based Pagan Fire Seminar.

The other workshop I attended was Kirk’s on “Sacred Gifts.” A lot of the information he presented was stuff that I was already familiar with, but I really enjoyed the discussion that grew out of it. One of the folks there brought up Animism, which is not something that I typically think about, but it was interesting to consider how your relationship with spirits may change if you broaden the definition of what you consider a spirit and who you might give offerings to.  I also really like discussing the nature of sacrifice in general.  I know Kirk has a new book coming out soon about it, and I will definitely be adding it to my library.

I attended 4 rituals over the course of the festival: Opening and Closing, as well as the Main Ritual where we honored the Earth and planted a tree, and a memorial for Bess.

Photo by Rev. Crystal Groves

Photo by Rev. Crystal Groves

The main ritual was done by the clergy of ADF, and it was somewhat surreal to be included in that group.  I called forth Inspiration, and also took Bonnie’s Dedicant Oath Renewal alongside Carrion.

Photo by Jane Wayson

Photo by Jane Wayson

That was a powerful experience.  Bonnie had asked me if I could bring the Grove’s sickle with me so that she could maintain that tie to our Grove as one of her formative experiences as a Dedicant.  Like a true Crane, she took her oath with the sickle at her neck 😉 and her hands held Carrion’s Oath Ring.  I tapped into the Current while she was oathing, and connected her and her words to the sickle and to the Grove.

Photo by Rev. Crystal Groves

Photo by Rev. Crystal Groves

The memorial for Bess was also very moving.  Nancy led it down by the Ve.  We called to Bess’s patron’s and passed a horn, speaking words to honor her memory and share her stories.  Then we sang.  Luke, Bonnie, Emerald, Sara, and I had spent a good chunk of the day learning a song that Bess wrote: “A Kindred Prayer.”  It has a simple and catchy melody that has been stuck in my head for days now, and as the song progresses it adds in harmonies and countermelodies.  We intend on singing it again as a group at Wellspring.  Bardry is one of the ways that immortality can be pursued.

Photo by Rev. Jan Avende

Photo by Rev. Jan Avende

One of the interesting things that I noticed (an yes, found annoying as often as I found it pious) was that I continue to wake up about 15 min before Dawn, even without an alarm clock.  Dawn in Cross Junction, VA is about 30 minutes earlier than it is in Columbus, OH, but that didn’t even phase my body.  I still got up to greet Her and do my morning devotional.  I noticed it when I went to go visit Thom in Colorado as well, and that is a 2 hour time difference, and in the other direction.  But even there, I still got up and was able to greet and honor Ushas.  I even tried to give myself a few days off this weekend, a few days to sleep in.  It just didn’t happen, despite haven’t stayed up way later than I should have.

I aso had the chance to have some in depth conversation with many of the folks that I don’t get to see nearly as often as I’d like.  Nick and I chatted at length about secret squirrel IP stuff, which was awesome.  We’re trying to get a meeting together at Wellspring so we can sit down with other initiates and talk thorough some housekeeping stuff, as well as actually do some work.  I chatted with Carrion about ADF coursework and the various ways we do magic, which was pretty awesome.  I think we perform magic in similar ways, at least to a point.  There was also some (slightly) tongue in cheek discussion on creating a “piss bucket servitor” so that you didn’t have to stop socializing to go pee. Heh.  Additionally, I think Bonnie and I are running about even on lives right now 😉

The Bardic Circle was wonderful, as always.  I think Trillium and Summerland have the best Bardic Circles of the festivals I attend.  They’re very relaxed, and anyone who wants to can perform.  It is great for building confidence, and we get to see the crazy amount of talent that our ADF Bards bring to the table.  I am honored to count myself among them. I once again stood entranced by Wayne’s poetry.  Bravo, sir!

On the way home, Michael and I stopped at Sideling Hill to stretch our legs for a bit and take in some of the sites.

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

It was gorgeous.  I love looking out over the mountains and seeing the way the peaks and hills seem to be shrouded in a blue film the further away they are, and the way you can see the mists rising and floating in the valleys.

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

All in all, it was a wonderful, and extremely rewarding and fulfilling trip for me.  I hope to be able to make it back again next year to enjoy the first festival of the season.

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Photo by Rev. Michael J Dangler

Morning Ancestor Offerings

I greet my Ancestors this morning.
Those of my blood and my bone, who have given me life.
Those of my heart and my hearth, who have guided my steps.
Those of my friends and my folk, who strengthen and deepen my relationships.
Those Mighty Dead, poets, priests, and bards.
The Apotheothenai, Heroes among the ancestors who have shaped our world.
It is to you I call out to and to you who I make these offerings.
Bright greetings of the morning, my Ancestors!

Grief is…

Loss is weird. It is silencing. It is listening. It is support. it is grieving. It is numb. It is every emotion rushing back in to fill that void all at once. It is ripples. It is a network. It is the darkness. It is a flickering spark. It is empty. It is full. It is shock. It is heavy.

The world lost a beautiful soul this weekend. Bess was a flame that shone so brightly that you could see her glow, and feel her light whenever Anna Gail spoke of her. I heard stories about her long before I met her. I had that pleasure when she came to Columbus last year. She scooped up Tally, and played with her, and loved her like family. Her bright heart and bright spirit and unfailing courage are phenomenal, and will be dearly missed. As Traci has declared: when we do something brave, from here on out, we will be “pulling a Bess.”

When I went to the memorial on Sunday night, I was not expecting to speak. I didn’t think I had the words to do it, everything felt numb and empty. I did. I don’t remember what I said. Not exactly. I know when I called to the Spirits of the Land I called them all. I called to the laughter of our loved ones in the trees. I called to the breath of our loved ones in the wind. I called to the tears of our loved ones in the rain. I called to the warmth of our loved ones in the sun. I called to the Earth, who cradles us all, always.

As the ripples from her death spread, like a shockwave, I recognize the numbness I felt at first, the shock. And now, as the dust is settling I’m seeing how much has been knocked down, and shattered. As this tragedy spreads through our family and community, please take a moment to read this, giving you some words to say (and not say).  Additionally, there is some good information here on supporting those in grief.

The Waters of Your Soul

As a follow-up to my post earlier this week, I’m sharing a song that I wrote.  I jokingly call it the “Pastoral Counseling Song” sometimes, but it is about finding a place of hope and knowing that everything will be okay when you feel lost, alone, and empty.  I wrote this after following a conversation about holding space for someone, and how oftentimes they cry.  I have a hard time dealing with crying in front of other people.  It makes me feel vulnerable and silly.  But, on further reflection and discussion, tears are the most beautiful thing that someone can give you when you’re holding space with them.  We all hold sacred waters within us, and we are children of the earth.  If our eyes are windows to the soul, then our tears are the Waters of our Soul bubbling up and over as we process through our emotions.  When you cry, you are giving the best of yourself up to the Kindreds.  Even though you feel empty, you are giving what you have left.  And knowing that you’ve given the best of yourself in that moment and you will feel fulfilled again.
 
“All Things Are Sacred”
~Rev. Jan Avende
 
When you feel like your soul is empty:
When you feel like you can’t go on:
When you feel like this life is over:
Call on me.
Call on.
 
When you’ve let go all you can let go:
When you’ve let go all of your tears:
When you’ve let go your everything:
Call on me.
Call on
 
You should know that all things can be offered.
You should know that all things are sacred.
You should know that you’ve given the best
Of yourself
And it’s enough.
 
Even when the best of you is broken,
Even when you’re feeling small
Even when there’s nothing left inside you,
I am here.
I am here.
 
So take heart and know that you have given.
So take heart and know that I have heard.
So take heart and give me all your sorrow.
(I’ll) Fill you up.
I’ll fill you up.
 
I see the Waters of your soul are streaming
They spring forth and overflow.
I will hold this space for you
In the palm of my hand.
 
So remember, it’s okay to be empty.
So remember that you’ve given your best
So remember that at the end of the day
I’ll fill you up.
And you’re enough
 
You should know that all things can be offered.
You should know that all things are sacred.
You should know that you’ve given the best
Of yourself
And it’s enough.
 
It’s enough.
It’s enough.
It’s enough.
It’s enough
You’re enough.

Cradled in Silence

We all have times of crisis in our lives, but it is not that crisis that defines us.  Rather it is how we respond to that situation and how we cope with it.  In that moment of crisis, the thing I’ve always felt the most strongly is an overwhelming sense of being alone.  I want a connection at those times, but I can’t seem to find one or feel it at all.  A fellow priest and friend of mine is fond of saying “when you least feel like praying is when you need it the most,” but sometimes that is so incredibly hard.  Sometimes you can’t pray because you don’t have the words.  All you can do is cry, and you have nothing to offer but those tears that are flowing freely down your cheeks.  Even when you try to pray, you feel no connection and you hear no response back.  Rather than succumbing to this despair, feel it from new perspective.  When all you hear is silence in response to your most desperate prayers, perhaps it is because you are being held and rocked.  No words are needed.  
 
Kindreds, hear my prayer:
I don’t know where I am right now
I’m lost in body, mind and soul.
All I bring with me, all I carry now
Is sadness, tears, and an overwhelming sense of loss.
I can offer only what I have, no more than that.
Please, take what I bring, take what I carry,
And know that it comes from the depth of my soul.
 
Times like these, when I least feel like praying,
I come to you, and I open myself to you.
Please, Kindreds, hear me!
Your silence is all I hear from you now
As you hold me, rock me, and cradle me.
You are my shoulder to cry on,
My arm to lean on,
My ear to whisper to.
 
So, as I come to you
Offering the best I have in this moment,
Growing fearful that I can no longer hear your voice,
I know that you hold me, and rock me without words.
I know as I sob out, aching for comfort, to you,
you hear me Kindreds, as I am cradled in your silence.